My last entry was on July 18th. Ever since then, a lot of things happened.
My one and only grandmother (that I grew up with) passed away on the last day of Syawal, 24th July 2017.
I was out on shoot when my mum called me and my mum rarely calls me especially when I’m on a shoot. I was down to the last 3 scenes before calling it a wrap. I had to maintain my composure while finding a replacement for next day’s shoot. Thankfully, I can rely on my 2nd AD to finish the day and I quickly went back to my house to fetch my mom, nephew and nieces.
I was emotionally distraught the entire evening. You guys, I rarely write or speak about my feelings (especially when it’s matters of the heart) to people outside my circle. But here I am, sharing my feelings because I just feel the need to immortalize my memory of her.
I don’t really show how I love to people. I grew up with tough love and tough love is what I know. I rarely say “I love you” to my grandmother, my parents, my cousins, my relatives, my friends. I show it to them. Because of this nature, some people may think that I have no feelings because I don’t say it.
So when my grandmother passed away, I cried when I saw her body being carried into the house. I cried when my mum covered her face with the white scarf. I cried when I looked at her lifeless face. I cried when I was reciting the yassin to her. However, I did find strength when someone else was inside the room with me reciting the yassin.
I didn’t bawllah because I know Allah (swt) loves her more and she has lived a long and fruitful life (she grew up in WW2)! But I cried because perhaps I felt guilty that I didn’t tell her that I love her. And perhaps, I didn’t visit her enough.
Alhamdullilah, my late grandmother managed to witness my solemnization. Minutes after I left the venue to go back and change to the second outfit, my late grandmother had a seizure and was taken to the hospital. She was admitted to ICU and while I was busy running errands the day after the wedding (and preparing to leave for our honeymoon), I prayed so hard that she wouldn’t leave when I’m miles away.
Alhamdullilah, she managed to live and witness another Ramadhan and Syawal. I guess all the family members knew that her days are numbered because her vision has been failing her. Despite being in and out of ICU since my wedding, she survived until she couldn’t anymore.
My late grandmother, Hajjah Rasmina Bte Dasuki alias Sundari, has lived up to 90 years (or more because she/we don’t really know when’s her exact birthday), with 6 beautiful children, 11 grandchildren and 5 great-grandchildren (from a direct family line).
Picture above was the first time in years that she actually smiled 🙂
I would really appreciate if you could send a prayer to my late grandmother ❤ Insyaallah, Allah (swt) will reward you.
Insyaallah, we will see you in Jannah, Mak. You are always in my prayers ❤